The Bad News

So we lost the baby. We went to the sonogram this morning (and waited for an hour!). The doctor was really nice and said she was going to be very honest about what she saw. She said the baby was gone and that most of the material has been released- so we probably won't have to have the D&C. She said that I will probably bleed for the next 10-14 days and release the rest of the material.

We are going to the doctor tomorrow morning and we will see what my doctor has to say about it all- they will also do blood work (I am turning into a pin cushion- I've been pricked so much in the past week).

So yeah that's that.

We have decided to name the baby Zoe (I always thought it would be a girl and since we won't know we are just gonna go with that). We are of course very sad that this didn't work out- we really wanted this baby. We will try again one day but I think we are going to focus on traveling and finding a place we would love to live first.

Thanks everyone for being there for us. We appreciate it.

Back to the ER

Yesterday I passed a really big clot and got really scared. We went to the ER and they did an exam and said my cervix is open. They also did some blood work- my hemoglobin levels are good, but my pregnancy hormone has gone down a bit. I talked to my doctor on the phone at the ER and she said try not to worry too much the baby could still be ok- that kind of shocked me. I really thought if your cervix was open it was bad news. In fact once we heard it was open we took that as we have miscarried and we waited for like 2 hours for the blood work results and we thought it was really for no reason since the baby was, if not gone, soon to be gone. So when we heard from my doctor it was bit like damn we still don't know?!? She said to just come in for our sonogram and then set up an appointment for Friday to meet with her. So we are leaving soon to go to the appointment but I don't have too much hope left. Last night I woke up feeling like I was cramping more all over and my back was having pains so I though I was miscarring at that moment but when I went to the bathroom there was only a little bit of blood and nothing else. And this morning too just some blood but not much which is kind of shocking. I figured after passing that clot I would be bleeding a lot more.

So yeah I am anxious going into this appointment because I don't want to see that either the baby is gone, or that it is there without a heartbeat. Part of me is even scared if the baby does have a heartbeat- like well then what does that mean??

So yeah we may know more today but I have a feeling if something is really wrong we won't know until Friday after the doctor appointment. I will try to make the appointment in the morning so we know a bit sooner.

So yeah not looking too good but we are still I guess unsure as to what is going on.

Continuing to Wait...

Still no news yet. Though last night my mom tried to call and said it wouldn't connect, so I tried calling out and couldn't either, so Nathan called AT&T and I guess there was some line cut or something in LA and Mississippi (or Alabama- I don't know) so others were having the same problem. It seems to be fixed but I hope we didn't miss the call yesterday. In the meantime we continue to wait. Nothing has changed- still bleeding and cramping a bit- though the cramping was a bit less yesterday. I am also still getting nauseous at night and my breasts are still sore- I look at those as good things but I guess I don't know. As soon as we know anything we will of course let you all know. Tomorrow we go for the sonogram so I figure we will at least know a bit more by then at the latest.

Keep sending those thoughts, prayers, or whatever.

A Little Update

So still no call about the blood work as of yet. They did call and set me up an appointment with the high risk doctor on March 12 though. It psyched me out. When my phone rang I knew it was them and then my heart went into my throat. I was amazed I could talk at all. But of course it wasn't about my blood work which was disappointing.

I had a bunch of dreams last night about them calling and telling me they still knew nothing or that it's a 50/50 chance. In one dream they told me that my hormone level went to 158.

Yesterday I started bleeding a bit more as well as cramping a bit more. Still not horrible but makes me a little more scared. I mean I am pretty positive I haven't miscarried yet but it's still pretty awful feeling to be in this position.

So in the meantime I am still just waiting. I hope they call today so we can have more information. I really hate not knowing what is going on.

Week 7: My Little Blueberry

So I went this morning and did the blood work. They said it will be a couple of days before I get the results. We still have our sonogram on Thurs, so hopefully that will also give us some info. But man you just gotta love the waiting game!!

Things are the same. Still spotting and cramping but nothing too bad. Keeping my fingers crossed.

So I wanted to keep doing this until we know for sure one way or another...so here is what they say about the baby this week:



The big news this week: Hands and feet are emerging from developing arms and legs — although they look more like paddles at this point than the tiny, pudgy extremities you're daydreaming about holding and tickling. Technically, your baby is still considered an embryo and has something of a small tail, which is an extension of her tailbone. The tail will disappear within a few weeks, but that's the only thing getting smaller. Your baby has doubled in size since last week and now measures half an inch long, about the size of a blueberry.

Spotting

So last Fri. I started spotting some and called my doctor who told me to go to the emergency room. We did and of course waited for so long. It was only a small amount of blood and minor cramping but I got really worried. After hours of being there and some tests and an ultrasound they couldn't say anything was really bad but also couldn't say everything would be ok. I have researched it online and I get some good examples and some not so good but of course they all say there is a 50/50 chance of a good/bad outcome. They have put me on bed rest but have said there is nothing I can really do we just have to wait and see.

I am still bleeding and cramping and there are little clots sometimes. I go back to the doctor Mon and I am supposed to get my hormone levels checked again to see if they get higher or lower. We of course are hoping for higher which will mean the baby is still going strong. I don't think I have miscarried yet and the blood flow isn't too bad. I am just so scared. I go off and on crying but sometimes I think we can make it and I have hope. But then sometimes I am so scared and find myself begging god or the universe or whatever to save my baby. I even beg Ethan, my dad, and anyone I know that has died to keep my little one alive.

So I hate to have to tell you guys over this blog but really it is easiest for me. I can't talk to people right now- it's too hard. But I did want you all to know.

My 1rst Doctors Appointment

So it went ok. My blood pressure was high 141/92 I think. They took it again before I left and it was 137/78 so better but the top number was still high.

They did blood work and a few tests and a bunch of questions. Both the nurse and the doctor remembered me from my previous visit and were excited for me.

So I have to do a 24 hour urine collection so they can have a base reading in case there are future blood pressure problems.

We set the sonogram appointment for next Thursday at 9:45am. I am excited about getting to see that little bean. After that appointment we will be going on our trip to Portland and Seattle. I spoke with the doctor about it and she said we could go and make the next appointment for when we get back.

She also told me to take my blood pressure at home with an arm cuff instead of the wrist cuff I have been using. But if my blood pressure continues to be high at the doctors office I will have to start seeing a high risk doctor for this pregnancy as well as seeing her.

So that is that. I guess we will just have to see how it all goes. Keep us in your thoughts/prayers (whatever you do). I want this baby to be healthy and I of course will do what I need to make that happen.

A Few Changes

So Mom said she wasn't getting emailed but was a "follower" of the blog so now I have added anyone who is a "follower" of the blog to get emailed. I don't know if any of the rest of you had that issue but if you find that you are getting 2 emails now let me know and I will take you off the one I just added you to. If you aren't getting emails and want to also let me know and I will add you to the list.

Hope this works :)

Baby Quilt

So here are the photos of the baby quilt I made for our little lintel bean. It is made out of our old t-shirts and also parts from Ethan's baby blankets and blankets that were made for Ethan's birthday that were donated to hospitals for other bereaved families.



Here is a close up of the monster I made for it and the dragonfly which is my symbol for Ethan and it is on a square from one of his blankets (I like to think of it as he is watching over the baby)

My Little Lintel Bean: Week 6

So things have been going well. Still some mild nausea and a few headaches but for the most part feeling well. The cramps have also pretty much gone away so I am feeling less scared than before, which is nice. I am just so super excited!!

It's crazy that I am only 6 weeks along. Seems like longer. But interestingly I found out that doctors count how far along you are from the first day of your last period so when really I would only be 4 weeks along they say I am 6.

I also finished my first baby blanket for our little Lintel Bean. I will take photos tomorrow and post them. I like it. Still working on the knitted blanket, I took a break though because I needed a project change to spice things up :) I am probably about a little under 2/3 done with it. So hopefully soonish that one will be done and pictures can be posted (I know I have plenty of time and all but I just love to make things for this little one).

This Wed. is my first doc appointment!! That will also be when we set up the sonogram!! That is super exciting!!

So here is what they say about the baby this week...



This week's major developments: The nose, mouth, and ears that you'll spend so much time kissing in eight months are beginning to take shape. If you could see into your uterus, you'd find an oversize head and dark spots where your baby's eyes and nostrils are starting to form. His emerging ears are marked by small depressions on the sides of the head, and his arms and legs by protruding buds. His heart is beating about 100 to 160 times a minute — almost twice as fast as yours — and blood is beginning to course through his body. His intestines are developing, and the bud of tissue that will give rise to his lungs has appeared. His pituitary gland is forming, as are the rest of his brain, muscles, and bones. Right now, your baby is a quarter of an inch long, about the size of a lentil bean.

My Little Seseame Seed Tadpole

So I decided not to write this weekend- nothing much to say for the most part. Still having cramps and getting worried. Still excited. Still can't wait to see the little one on the sonogram. So yeah nothing new.

But today is the start of week 5 and here is what they say about that stage...



Deep in your uterus your embryo is growing at a furious pace. At this point, he's about the size of a sesame seed, and he looks more like a tiny tadpole than a human. He's now made up of three layers — the ectoderm, the mesoderm, and the endoderm — which will later form all of his organs and tissues.

The neural tube — from which your baby's brain, spinal cord, nerves, and backbone will sprout — is starting to develop in the top layer, called the ectoderm. This layer will also give rise to his skin, hair, nails, mammary and sweat glands, and tooth enamel.

His heart and circulatory system begin to form in the middle layer, or mesoderm. (This week, in fact, his tiny heart begins to divide into chambers and beat and pump blood.) The mesoderm will also form your baby's muscles, cartilage, bone, and subcutaneous (under skin) tissue.

The third layer, or endoderm, will house his lungs, intestines, and rudimentary urinary system, as well as his thyroid, liver, and pancreas. In the meantime, the primitive placenta and umbilical cord, which deliver nourishment and oxygen to your baby, are already on the job.

Dreams of Nausea

So last night I went to bed feeling a bit nauseous and then in my dream I was nauseous too! I thought that was kinda funny. I have been a bit nauseous since I woke up but it isn't too bad. No throwing up thankfully.

SO yeah still pregnant!! I say that to myself often. It's just nice to know because I do get worried when I feel cramps. But so far so good.

I have been knitting a baby blanket. It is about a little over a 4th of the way done. It is coming out cute. I can't wait to finish it but it will take me a week or 2- the longest knitting project I have done yet. I will of course take photos and post them when it is done.

Appointment made

So the doctors office called this morning and I have my first appointment on Wed. Feb. 4. At that appointment they will do blood work and such but then we will schedule the sonogram appointment!!! Yay!

I am hoping this won't mess with our travel plans too much but I am super excited about the sonogram. Hopefully they can get us in there quick and we can take our trip to the west coast. I guess if not we will have to post pone it a bit but I do want to start looking for a perfect place to raise our little poppy seed.

So yesterday I felt a bit nauseous at night but that could have been from eating so much at Cameron's birthday dinner. I also have been having some cramping which makes me start begging this baby to stay with me. It's not bad cramping but I am a little fearful sometimes- I really don't want to lose this baby. So everyone please send those positive thoughts and prayers and hopefully they will work and all will be fine.

Also the preg. test ran out of batteries so it no longer has the "YES+". Maybe it is time to throw out the pee on a stick :)

So I am hoping to make an appointment today for my first prenatal visit. I will post once I have more info on that. I am kinda hoping they will do the sonogram then but it may be too early for that. I am just so anxious to see the little poppy seed. I hope we can bring a video camera and record it. I think that would be awesome.

Filled with hope again

So every time I walk past the preg. test I have to look at it to see that "YES+". I just get so excited to see that. Like it makes it real again.

I am just filled with hope again. I find myself dreaming about what this baby will be like. How it will be to have him or her with us. I did that with Ethan and felt like my dreams were crushed after losing him, I didn't get to have those dreams come true. But I still find myself dreaming and imagining how this one will be- I thought I wouldn't do that this time around- just the knowledge that it is possible to lose all of that, but I guess that innocence has returned to me. Though I don't feel blinded like the innocence I had before but more like I am just enjoying those ideas and thoughts because it is a part of being pregnant and even if we lose this child I will at least have those memories of being so happy and imagining about him/her and such. I don't know maybe that sounds weird but I find it nice to still be able to dream like I did.

So yesterday I had a bit more "morning" sickness. It was off and on throughout the day. It was pretty mild and honestly I kind of like it because it makes it seem more like I am pregnant. I am just so excited to be carrying this little poppy seed :)

My Little Poppy Seed

So I am about 4 weeks along today. Here is what they say about the 4 weeks point...





"This week marks the beginning of the embryonic period. From now until 10 weeks, all of your baby's organs will begin to develop and some will even begin to function.

"Right now your baby is an embryo the size of a poppy seed, consisting of two layers: the epiblast and the hypoblast, from which all of her organs and body parts will develop."

That is the short version of course. But it's so cute to think right now it is the size of a poppy seed. They say that I don't need to go to the doctor until 8 weeks. Maybe that is when they can hear the heartbeat. I can't wait for that.

So I have also tried the Chinese gender calculator thingy- which is supposed to predict the sex of the child by using the conception date and mothers age. I did it a few times and I have gotten both boy and girl the same amount of times. It's interesting how that works :) So I guess it is 50/50 still :)

So yeah still excited but I do worry some. I want to start making blankies!

Excitement!!

So every time I think about how I am carrying a new little baby I get so excited!! I think about all the firsts I will get to experience again- the heartbeat, the sonogram, finding out the sex, making cute things for the baby. I am just so excited to get to those stages.

I am also enjoying this stage.

I am not as sick as I remember being for Ethan. I get mildly nauseous at night but nothing too bad. I worry every time I get a cramp and just sort of pray that this baby will make it. I get scared that I will see blood when I go to the bathroom but I remember being that way when I was pregnant with Ethan. So the fear does come up every now and then but for the most part I am so super happy!!

The innocence that is lost when you lose a child has come back to me too which I find interesting. Like I feel like this child will make it. I thought I wouldn't think that as much this time around since I know the harsh reality but I am glad I still have that innocence.

Introduction

We found out I was pregnant on Friday, Jan. 16th. We started trying a month before. I am so excited we got pregnant so quickly. I have been wanting this for so long and now it is here!!

We lost our Ethan Wolf a year and a half ago on May 26, 2007. He was still born. My blood pressure had been rising during my pregnancy and then got so high they decided to induce me. First they put cervidil in to soften my cervix which ended up causing an occult abruption which cause Ethan Wolf to be still born.

We have gone through a lot since then but felt like we were ready to start trying again and we did and now I am pregnant.

I thought I would start a blog to share my experiences as this pregnancy progresses, because I know it will be very different from my previous pregnancy. It will also let friends and family keep up to date with how it is going.